D&D Campfire Stories: Famous Last Words

Over my terribly long and amusing time in D&D, I’ve had the pleasure and the privilege of witnessing several “blaze of glory” deaths. I’ve also witnessed some of the most painful and pitiful of demises and I’ve seen several characters go to meet their maker in a variety of modest and mediocre ways. However, despite the method or the mode, one thing that most of them have in common is some interesting, hilarious, or oddly insightful final utterance. To put it simply: famous last words.

What follows are a few of my personal favorites that I have noted over the years and be aware that the language in italics has been altered for PG-13 (but I’m sure you can figure out what was really said):

·         Player- “What kind of Demon is it?”

DM – “The big nasty kind!”

·         DM- “The Dragon opens one big yellow eye!”

Player – “Aw, crap.”

·         Player – “I didn’t mean to hit it! I just wanted a warning shot! I told you I angled out!”

DM- “No you did not!”

             Player – “I DID! I ANGLED OUT!”

·         Player- “It’s going to eat me, isn’t it?”

DM- “Looks that way.”

Player- “Nuts.”

·         Player- “How big is it?”

DM- “One hundred feet long and thirty feet high.”

Player- “And what is that in meters?”

·         DM- “What are you doing next?”

Player 1- “We’re going in quietly.”

Player 2- “Screw that!” (Knocks down door)

·         DM- “He says, ‘You’ll be executed in the morning.’”

Player- “But I beat him at checkers! He said that if I won he’d let me go! I’m yelling, ‘I beat you at checkers you jerk!’”

·         DM- “What are you yelling at the city walls?”

Player- “I am asking them to surrender!”

·         Player- “Can I have a do-over?”

DM- “How much do you have in your wallet?”

·         Player- “I’m going to whisper something in her ear.”

DM- “Well that’s when the dagger goes in.”

·         Player 1- “How many do you see?”

Player 2- “Just run!”

·         DM- “The King would like an explanation.”

Player- “Tell him to go suck a lemon!”

·         Player- “Well that wasn’t so bad!”

DM- (laughs and then rolls)

·         DM- “That seems to have killed it.”

Player- “Seems?”

DM- “Well…”

·         Player- “I say, ‘I’m only paying you half.’”

DM- “He says, ‘That wasn’t the deal!’”

Player- “I say, ‘Oh yeah? Well what are you going to do about it?’”

·         Player- “I’m putting my hand in.”

DM- “Not checking for traps?”

            Player- “Nope.”

·         Player- “What color is it?”

DM- “Purple.”

Player- “I’m eating it anyway.”

·         Player- “So it’s a rope bridge, over a pit of boiling oil, with something swimming in it?”

DM- “Yeah.”

Player- “Cool!”

·         Player- “I got 21!”

DM- “Miss.”

Player- “What?!”

            DM- “Miss!”

            Player- “Beep, beep, beep, beep!”

·         Player- “I’m going to lower my weapon and put my hands up.”

DM- “Oh really?”

Feel free to add your own in the comments below!